Wellbeing & friendshipsAges 7–145 min read
By Isabella ·
Perfectionism in Kids: Signs and What Helps
How to spot perfectionism in children, phrases that ease the pressure, and when it's time to talk to a professional.
Some children tear up a drawing because one line is wrong, or will not hand in homework that is less than perfect. Wanting to do well is healthy. Perfectionism is different: it is the fear that anything less than perfect is failure.
Look for fear of mistakes, not high standards, as the sign. Praise effort over results, make mistakes ordinary at home and help your child practise good enough. Get advice if it is affecting sleep, school or mood.
High standards or perfectionism?
| Healthy striving | Perfectionism |
|---|---|
| Enjoys a challenge | Avoids things they might not be good at |
| Disappointed by mistakes, then moves on | Very upset by small mistakes |
| Proud of effort | Rarely satisfied, even with good results |
| Finishes work in reasonable time | Redoes work again and again, or cannot start |
The difference is how a child feels. A striver is pulled forward by wanting to do well. A perfectionist is pushed by worry about getting it wrong.
Signs to look for
- Meltdowns or tears over small errors.
- Rubbing out and restarting repeatedly.
- Putting off work, or refusing to start, in case it is not good enough.
- Taking far longer over homework than the task needs.
- Harsh self-talk: I'm stupid, I'm rubbish at this.
- Avoiding new activities unless sure of doing well.
- Brushing off praise or focusing on the one thing that went wrong.
Procrastination surprises many parents. A child who seems not to care may care so much that starting feels too risky.
A live class on thisCharacter Strengths and Resilience: Identify Your StrengthsAges 6–18What helps at home
You tried three ways to solve that, not you're so clever.
Talk about your own at dinner: what went wrong today and what you did about it.
Twenty minutes for this worksheet, then we stop. Done is the goal.
Agree in advance which tasks deserve best effort and which only need to be finished.
Draw with the wrong hand or play a new game together and laugh at the results.
Phrases that ease the pressure
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| That's perfect! | I can see how much thought went into that |
| Just do your best | This one only needs to be finished |
| Don't worry about it | It's frustrating when it doesn't come out how you pictured |
| You got 9 out of 10. What went wrong? | What are you pleased with? |
Check your own reactions. Children notice how the adults around them talk about mistakes, results and other people's achievements.
Working with school
Let the teacher know what you see at home. It helps to ask whether your child can be given a clear time limit for tasks, shown examples of what good enough work looks like and encouraged to hand in a first draft. If tests are the trigger, see our guide on helping your child with test anxiety.
When to get help
Talk to your pediatrician or the school counsellor if perfectionism is causing frequent distress, trouble sleeping, stomach aches or headaches, refusal to go to school, or changes in eating. Persistent perfectionism can go along with anxiety, and support works. Our guide on helping an anxious child explains more.
What parents can do next
- Notice this week when your child gets stuck: starting, finishing or after a mistake.
- Swap one result-focused comment for one about effort.
- Try a time limit on one homework task.
- Share one mistake of your own, lightly, at the dinner table.
Frequently asked questions
Is perfectionism a good thing?
High standards are. Fear of mistakes is not, because it makes children avoid challenges and enjoy their successes less.
Did I cause it?
Perfectionism has many influences, including temperament, school and peers. Blame does not help; small changes in how the family talks about mistakes do.
Are gifted children more likely to be perfectionists?
Some high-achieving children are, especially if things have always come easily and a first real challenge feels like failure. It can affect any child.
Will my child grow out of it?
Many children ease up with support and experience. If it is getting worse or affecting daily life, ask for advice rather than waiting.
Help your child handle big feelings
Live classes on emotions and mindfulness teach children to manage worry and be kinder to themselves.
