Wellbeing & friendshipsAges 9–135 min read
By Olivia ·
How to Handle Friendship Drama in the Tween Years
What's normal in tween friendships, how to listen without fixing, and when exclusion or group chats need an adult to step in.
Best friends on Monday, not speaking by Thursday, and a group chat in the middle of it. Friendship upsets are a normal part of the tween years, and most of them your child can handle with a calm adult in the background.
Listen first and hold back on fixing. Help your child think through their own next step. Step in yourself when there is bullying, a safety concern or distress that does not ease.
Why friendships get intense at this age
Between about 9 and 13, friends start to matter more, and children become far more aware of where they stand in a group. Groups shift as interests change and as children move classes or schools. At the same time, many tweens get their first phone or messaging app, which means arguments can follow them home.
None of this means something is wrong. Falling out, making up and finding new friends is how children learn what they want from a friendship.
What is normal, and what is not
| Ordinary conflict | Bullying |
|---|---|
| Happens now and then | Repeated over time |
| Both children have some power | One child or group has more power |
| Both are upset | One child is targeted and afraid |
| Can usually be talked through | Meant to hurt, exclude or humiliate |
Ordinary conflict is something to coach your child through. Bullying needs adults to act.
A live class on thisBuilding Social Skills: Communication, Empathy, Conflict ResolutionAges 8–12Listen before you fix
When your child comes home upset, the urge to solve it is strong. Most tweens want to be heard first.
- Stay calm. If you get angry on their behalf, they may stop telling you things.
- Reflect back. That sounds really hurtful. You felt left out.
- Ask before advising. Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?
- Avoid criticising the friend. They may be best friends again next week.
Side-by-side conversations are easier than face-to-face ones. Try talking in the car, on a walk or while cooking.
Coach them to handle it
Once your child feels heard, help them think it through with questions.
- What happened, from your side? What might it look like from theirs?
- What do you want to happen next?
- What could you say or do? Let's think of three options.
- Which feels right to try first?
Practising the words can help. I felt hurt when I wasn't invited is easier to say after rehearsing it once. It also helps to have more than one circle of friends, through a club, a team or a class outside school. Our guide for when a child has no close friends has ideas.
Group chats and phones
Messages are easy to misread, quick to spread and hard to take back. Agree a few family rules.
- Do not reply when angry. Wait, or talk in person.
- Do not screenshot and share private messages.
- It is fine to leave or mute a chat that is making you feel bad.
- Phones charge outside the bedroom overnight.
- If something worries or scares you, show an adult. You will not lose your phone for telling.
When to step in
Contact the school if your child is being repeatedly excluded, threatened, hit or humiliated, in person or online. Keep a record of what happened and when, and save any messages. Talk to your pediatrician if your child refuses school, cannot sleep or eat normally, or seems low for more than a couple of weeks.
Tell your child before you contact the school and agree what you will say. Feeling in control matters to them.
Frequently asked questions
Should I call the other child's parents?
Usually not for ordinary fallouts. It can make things worse and takes the problem out of your child's hands. For serious or repeated behaviour, go through the school.
My child is the one leaving others out. What should I do?
Stay calm and curious. Ask what is going on, talk about how the other child may feel and be clear about how you expect people to be treated.
How do I know if it is more than a fallout?
Look for a pattern: repeated, one-sided and meant to hurt. One bad week is common; weeks of dread are not.
Should I read my tween's messages?
Families differ. Whatever you decide, tell your child what you will and will not look at. Secret checking damages trust if discovered.
Build friendship skills in a small group
Live social skills classes help tweens practise listening, speaking up and handling disagreements with others their age.
